Losing My Religion

I hate church.  There.  I said it.  I love the idea of church, but after 25 years on this planet (a good many of those spent being extremely active in church), I can honestly say that most of the time, I hate church.  I've spent the majority of my adult life out of church.  I'm sure there are people who think I'm going to hell.  Screw 'em.  There were times over the course of several years where I considered dropping my faith.  I never could though.  My religion, yes.  My faith, no.

I've always wanted to love church, and I believe that sometimes I truly did.  I had some good times at church and with people I met at church.  Being so involved in my church while growing up has given me a good foundation for my belief system and led me to where I am today and to be the person I've become.  For all of that, I am truly grateful.  However, all that involvement also set me up for some extreme disappointment.  I was always given a picture of what a "good" Christian should be.  While I heard pastors and "church people" say "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God," I saw people who got "caught" sinning shunned like friggin' lepers.  There was always this unspoken rule that to be involved in anything in the church meant to be without sin, beyond reproach if you will.  Everyone walked around pretending to be perfect because as soon as someone got caught in "sin" (at least one of the big ones...ya know, sex, alcohol, satan music...stuff like that), you were removed from whatever ministry position you were in and basically put on probation and sent to Jesus rehab.

I was completely fine with all of that because I bought into the whole thing.  I thought we all needed to be perfect.  The goal was to be perfect and seek converts.  We were supposed to convert people from being horrible dirty sinners to perfect little Christian robots that never questioned or felt or, heaven forbid, sinned.  I felt such incredible pressure to either be perfect or hide certain imperfections while growing up that any time I "sinned" I either felt extreme guilt and shame or, later in life, extreme exhilaration.

Now, as I mentioned earlier, I've always wanted to love church.  I still do.  I want friends with a strong moral fiber (as in recent years those have been extremely hard to come by).  I want an environment that supports me and my family.  I want my son to grow up feeling loved and secure.  I want him to see that people, while imperfect, try to be good.  They try to make a difference.  It's hard, though, ya know?  For me, going to church feels kind of like I imagine a person who's been cheated on in relationships feels about getting into another relationship.  I don't trust church.  I want to, but I don't.  I once heard a youth pastor say that single (meaning unmarried) people shouldn't wear thongs and masturbation is a sin.  He cheated on his wife and got a divorce.  I wish that incident was isolated.  It's not.  The church I've experienced is extraordinarily full of liars and frauds who have had an incredibly hard time admitting that they are liars and frauds.

Now, don't get me wrong.  Not everyone has been terrible.  Not every experience has been terrible.  Overall though, I feel like I grew up being lied to.  I was told to be perfect while everyone was going around lying about sins.  I realize that I was naive.  At this point, I don't care if people are imperfect.  In fact, all those "perfect" people can stay the heck away from me.  I can't handle perfection.  It's too dishonest.  If Jesus were here, he and I would split a bottle of wine and talk about how to give some people hope in the fact that the world is not a totally miserable place.  That's right.  Jesus and I would drink.  Alcohol.

I was going to post this on Saturday night, but for some reason I didn't.  I felt like waiting.  My family and I decided to go to church Sunday morning, and if I'm totally honest, I wasn't looking forward to it.  I hate sermons (no offense Pastor Gary!).  I've grown up in church, and for the most part, I've heard whatever it is someone is going to preach.  Most preachers repeat themselves like they're preaching to a group of neurology patients suffering from extreme short-term memory loss.  I'd love to see a church service that was a bit more interactive.  I wish I could raise my hand, ask a question, spark a debate.  I don't do well with being talked at.  I hate feeling like I shouldn't be at church.  I've gotten to a point in my life where I'm totally fine with certain behaviors; however, growing up, a lot of the things I see nothing wrong with were worthy of hell fire and brimstone.

I guess in a way there's this part of me that despises myself at church because I assume a bit of a fraudulent persona.  I can't be myself at church.  Or, maybe I can.  Wasn't Gandhi that said "Be the change you want to see in the world."  Maybe I should be me and stop giving a crap what other people think.  Perhaps I should be the change I want to see in my church (wherever that may be).  Maybe I should start viewing my pewmates as people with stories and pasts and not as judgmental Jesusbots.

This past Sunday, every judgmental, awful thing I thought about my home church kinda changed.  It's not the church I grew up in.  Pastor Gary seems to be doing a phenomenal job at getting people to stop being so focused on all that church-y garbage that they forget that there is a world out there.  He doesn't seem to be seeking converts.  He really seems to want to love on people.  So, the day after I was going to post my "all churches are evil and should get with the program" post, I went to church and didn't hate it.  Is it perfect?  Nope.  I don't want perfection from anyone or anything.  All I want is honesty, and I think I saw that Sunday.

So, thank you Gandhi and Pastor Gary for giving me purpose and renewing my hope in church.  I think church is a good idea that's been poorly executed many, many time.  Now, maybe I can find a pewmate who'd like to go to dinner, debate theology, and maybe, just maybe, split a bottle of wine.